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I realize at 28 I'm not as smart or together as I thought I was. This is a sobering realization.
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The Jackass Chronicles
Happy Birthday
Well. Well, well, well. The birthday was interesting. Brother managed to fuck it up in his own special way and I had to take a personal day to recover from the trauma and drama on the 15th. I don�t know why I keep giving him second chances. He is beyond �fixable� and I don�t know how long it�s going to take this time for me to be comfortable around him or in a room alone with him again. He needs serious help. The things he was saying to me on Sunday night were supremely fucked up and he couldn�t even see why they were fucked up. It was the first time that I realized he may be seriously mentally ill. It was like something out of a tv show. I worry about him but he manages to upset the balance so badly that you can�t feel sorry for him or want to help him after he�s gutted you. I can�t imagine how my parents must feel knowing that this is their son and going through everything he�s put them through. That�s their baby boy and he�s been a mess his whole life almost. It must be devastating. They called me a bunch last week to check on me and were really nice and supportive but I got mad at my Mom because at first she was in denial and was all, �He was drunk.� And I kept telling her she wasn�t there, she didn�t hear what I heard or talked him off the ledge for an hour. Alcohol has nothing to do with what�s going on his head. It helped to loosen his tongue for sure, but it�s not like those ideas weren�t in his head before he got drunk. I mean, for fuck�s sake, I called my father to come and get him from my shower, with the sink running and the door locked because I was afraid of what he would do if he knew I was calling them. I was that scared and freaked out. She backed off after I sort of yelled at her and told her she was in denial about him. They left me alone and didn�t cajole me into coming to their house for the weekend. I don�t even want to talk about it with them. But then I know we�ll sit there and purposefully NOT talk about it, which would be almost as unbearable. I don�t know that I even want to tell anyone about it anymore. I sort of did by the end of last week when I �woke up� but now, not so much. I just want to repress this one. Forever. I don�t know how I�ll ever face him, though.The really fucked up thing is that I felt really badly when I woke him up to tell him Dad was there and I wanted him to go home and he got mad at me and said he would never trust me again. I actually felt bad, like I had betrayed him even though an hour earlier he voiced some of the most unspeakable, awful things to me and totally crossed all lines of propriety and family and decency, putting me in the worst place I�ve ever been in my life.
But I felt bad.