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I realize at 28 I'm not as smart or together as I thought I was. This is a sobering realization. I think.

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If only I had a Dabadoo to lead me around town - April 07, 2005
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The Jackass Chronicles

Somebody stop me

Sometimes my life is so ridiculous. I can�t believe that this is my life. I spent my whole childhood wanting to be an emergency room doctor, then when I hit about 6th grade, I realized I loved writing and planned on being an emergency room doctor who wrote novels on the side. I told anyone who would listen this and they would just smile and tell me good luck. I knew I could do it and couldn�t wait to get going. Then something happened. Chemistry. Fucking Chemistry. Mrs. Epstein gave me a C sophomore year just to spite me even though she knew I was seeing a tutor and working so hard. You see, a C was unacceptable. To both my parents and me. UNACCEPTABLE. I realized I sucked at Chemistry and it was all over. How many people can actually pinpoint the moment they gave up on their childhood dreams? So being a doctor was thrown out the window. All because I am notorious for giving up something if I�m not spectacular at it immediately. I can�t tell you how many dance classes I dropped out of because I thought I heard a girl chortle at me as I pas de beurred across the floor. Done. Thank you. Even though I gave up the ghost when I was 15, I still had to get that C off my transcript. Enter night classes at the community college. While I was playing tennis. And in a play. I look back on what I was like in high school and it�s like I don�t even know who that person was. But I digress.

So after giving up the idea of being a doctor, I focused on what I really loved doing which was reading and writing. You wouldn�t know it from this fledgling diary, but I am a stellar writer. I think it�s the one thing I got that I�m really good at. Besides drinking. So I became an English major and continued reading and writing at a vicious pace. English, English, English. Sick scores on standardized tests, yada yada yada. English major in college, writing workshops, semester in London to study English literature and history and theater. You get the idea.

Then I got my Master�s degree in Accounting and worked for Arthur Andersen for 4 years before they went out of business. Now I am a corporate internal investigator and I catch the bad guys who embezzle and try to defraud the investing public. I will never, ever forget what Simon said to me when I told him I got the job with Arthur Andersen our last spring semester. �They�ll crush your spirit.� Cue frowny, what-the-hell-are-you-thinking face.

How the fuck did this happen? I still harbor dreams of being a doctor or an EMT or paramedic or whatever. I can�t get enough of �Trauma: Life in the ER� or those shows with the operations, or anything gruesome. I think it�s fascinating that humans exist who can re-attach legs and reconnect veins and restore blood flow in a 10 hour operation. Or the guy who holds a patient�s leg together while his buddy drills pins into the guy�s blown hip socket. I want to do that. I want to put people back together again. I want to restore the blood flow.

The dreams have been coming fast and furious again. I�m just starting out in the hospital, meeting everyone, learning the ropes, getting no sleep and eating crap food in the cafeteria.

Swoon.