about me______________
I realize at 28 I'm not as smart or together as I thought I was. This is a sobering realization. I think.

navigate_______________
previous
next
new
old
profile

The Jackass Chronicles

Cripes

I'm so afraid that because I do like my job and I am happy with my life, my apt, the city, etc, that I will mindlessly soldier on and keep this job and lifestyle for like 20 years. That freaks me out. I am also beginning to think that getting married and having babies isn't necessarily the only path for me. I've been dreaming about having babies for so long that this whole new outlook is a little disconcerting. I am beginning to think that childrearing is a long, arduous, painful, and thankless task.

I'm certainly no hippie, but what is the point of being alive and young and happy if you spend all of your time working? I know everyone does it and I should just suck it up, but this is seriously starting to freak me out. What if I die and have done nothing meaningful with this life? And I don't think having babies necessarily equals "having done something meaningful" That's bullshit. I am all over the place with these ponderings and I have no idea what the answer is. Should I just be thankful that I am healthy and happy and so is everyone else that I love? Am I being a selfish baby? Why do I think that I can buck the system and figure something out when so many others have probably abandoned real dreams and aspirations because it was the right thing to do or the mature way to live your life? Really, all I want to do is move to Maui, get a job to pay the bills and fucking lay around and read and write and chill for the rest fo my life. Maybe find someone to share that with. And yet, that is something I can just go and do. I don't need money to do that. I have no real responsibilities or mortgage or anything. So the question is: why don't I just do it?

What if this is all there is?