about me______________
I realize at 28 I'm not as smart or together as I thought I was. This is a sobering realization. I think.

navigate_______________
previous
next
new
old
profile

The Jackass Chronicles

Sultans Of Swing

I need a job that gives me deadlines. I need a lover that won't drive me crazy. I want a new drug. Seriously, without deadlines, I am apt to sit around and fart the day away at my computer. I try to impose my own deadlines, but then someone will come up to me and say, "Listen, we're gonna have to put that NY project on the backburner. You have enough work to keep yourself busy right?" And I do, but I know that I can milk it for weeks and no one will care. No one ever reviews work here. It's so different from Andersen where I used to have anxiety dreams about seniors and managers reviewing my workpapers. I miss that structure so much.

Lord, I'm a nerd.

Did you know that the Mighty Mighty Bosstones covered "Ain't Talkin' About Love"? The MMB played at my university and due to a huge snowstorm, the opening band, G Love, couldn't make it so they went on without an opening band and Dicky was being such a prissy bitch about the whole thing that exactly 45 minutes after he started the set he threw down his mic and gave us all the finger as he walked off stage.

So Sean's having a party tomorrow night and I am wondering if Paul is going to be there. Chances are he won't but who knows. I have to go. IF ONLY I HAD A DATE. J is going to be in Michigan. I don't know that I would even bring him, though. It's sort of weird to bring a new guy around. And inevitably, when we break up, everyone will roll their eyes and go "Wow. Guess who dumped another guy?" And I just don't want to deal with that. But part of me wants to bring him in case Paul brings a girl. I HAVE TO WIN THE "I'M HAPPY WITHOUT YOU" CONTEST.

Seriously, I'm not that crazy, I just haven't seen him or talked to him in a really long time. I think I am happier without him. No more waiting for him to fall asleep first, no more dealing with the bullshit from my family about him, no more trying to nicely tell him to BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TONGUE WHEN YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

Sometimes I think I'm better off alone. It's not that I'm intolerant or anything, I just find that most guys love that I'm independent and do my own thing with my friends or on my own or with my family, and I travel a lot for work and that's all cool in the beginning, but then the self-doubt starts to creep in. "You sure you don't mind if I go to the strip club?" "Do you want to come and watch football with us?" Me: "No, have fun with the guys"

"You're going out of town again?"

"You never want to just hang out and watch a movie!"

"WHY DON'T WE SPEND ANY TIME TOGETHER?"

Later. I swear to God, I was born the wrong sex. I have hardly any hang ups, I have a lot of self confidence. I don't need a man. I don't need a relationship. I love being alone or with friends, it doesn't matter. The guys I've dated can't handle that ultimately. And why can't people just date and not get all serious and junk so fast? Maybe I want to date a couple of guys but when you look at me with those mooney eyes and tell me how you're falling for me when we've been dating for only a month, I FEEL GUILTY. Gah.

Jesus.